ITNOWIT #4: So I’ve met three guys. Now what?

Operation ITNOWIT #4

  • Independent Thai restaurant downtown
  • Wednesday 5/23/12
  • 6pm-8pm
  • Vegetarian green curry
  • $12.00 (with tip)
  • Met B there

I’m back from dinner with OKC candidate #3, B. First, I accidentally turned this into something more date-like than I intended. B had messaged me and asked if I wanted to go to the first night of a film festival tonight at 8:30 and amended that we could meet at the neighboring cafe prior in case I didn’t want to go into a dark theater with a stranger. I answered that I would like to accept the cafe and decline the film festival. I didn’t really feel like sitting through a bunch of short films by film students (in a dark theater with a stranger). Further, I didn’t want to walk home in the dark and I wasn’t going to take a ride from him, should he offer. In a later message, I asked if he wanted to meet earlier and get food instead of just tea/coffee from the cafe. (I knew I’d be hungry. I suppose I could have eaten at home and then met him for beverages.) Of course he said yes and told me to pick a place.

I chose the Thai place simply because it wasn’t far to walk there from my house. Then I realized I’d turned a casual coffee meeting into something not unlike a dinner date. He’d gotten a bit flirty in the messages, asking if I had any nicknames, suggesting Lady My Name, and I was trying to keep things strictly friendly. So I worried a bit all day, and wondered why in the world I’m continuing to set myself up with unknown men. This is so so so not me. In fact, I haven’t looked at any new profiles, even relatively good matches who have looked at mine. It feels like almost too much to keep track of the handful I’m messaging with now. I don’t know how many more times I want to do this.

And yet, once again, everything went perfectly fine. B got there right before I did, and I walked up to him and shook hands. And yeah, it was a tad awkward keeping the conversation going at times, but we always had OKC messages to fall back on. We talked a lot about movies. He has a degree in history (so do I, along with English, but I studied an entirely different area/time period than B did) and a master’s in library science. He’s trying to get a job as a librarian. That right there is pretty likeable.

When we finished our meal, he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I said something about not really wanting to walk, but more sitting would be good. He gave me an out (“You can tell me if you want to walk in the opposite direction”), and I assured him that if I’d wanted to go home, I would go home.

So we walked toward other cafes and ended up stopping in a music/movie store that was going out of business. That gave us more movies and music to talk about, and I found a movie I’d been looking for for a while, so I was happy. Our tastes don’t overlap much, but really, I don’t expect any guy I meet to listen to Simon & Garfunkel, Rachmaninov, and love The Cutting Edge. (If you find one, send him my way because he might be my new best friend.)

After I bought my movie we left the store and parted on the sidewalk (with nothing around for me to hold onto). We both said it was good to meet each other and made vague noises about maybe seeing something together sometime. I didn’t make any attempt at a handshake or hug and neither did he. He’s six feet tall, which means he’s got ten inches on me. (T and D were much more reasonable heights!) Not that if he were shorter I would have hugged him, just that that felt like another barrier.

I’m just not sure how any of this is supposed to go. I’ve now spent time one on one with three different men. They were all polite, articulate enough, and seemed perfectly nice. On the “get away from me” to “I think I’m in love with you” continuum of social interaction, I’ve tried to convey “I feel friendly toward you and would be open to meeting again.”

I haven’t really communicated with T since he messaged me about his car not starting on Sunday. I did enjoy meeting him the one time. We had a lot in common and he finished my sentences (when I was trying to articulate something and would kind of trail off, he jumped in and was right). But then I left for more than a week, and maybe he’s just not interested in trying to keep things going. I’m sure if I asked T out directly, he would say yes because he would think I was interested. (I am interested…in getting to know him better.) And maybe he’s leaving it up to me because I’ve seemed disinterested. Who knows.

D and I are continuing to message each other. He’s asked for book recommendations, and I’ve mentioned a few titles he could borrow. Then I told him he’s welcome to come and look at my collection. (We both still enjoy young adult literature, and I have a bit from the 70s, 80s, and 90s.) We’ve only met once and now I’m inviting him over. Might be a bit soon for that. We’ll see.

It isn’t easy. We each have our separate lives, and if we want a relationship to form, we have to work at it. We have to make an effort to get to know each other. And it’s easy to think, yeah, having coffee was nice and maybe I should send a message, but I’m tired right now…

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2 thoughts on “ITNOWIT #4: So I’ve met three guys. Now what?

  1. Toepick!
    I only ever met 3 guys from online dating sites and it’s so weird. It’s just weird. The picture I formed from the messages was always way off from the person in real life. And deciding the pace is excruciating. Should we continue the date, should we hug, if we see each other again will he expect this or that?
    My idea of the speed things should happen at is so different from everybody else’s. I was watching some TV show (Big Bang Theory, probably) and a character declared, “Third date means sex!” Ack! Third date means I might give you a peck on the cheek.
    I can’t even fathom a one-night stand.

    It’s overwhelming. I was skittish to say the least.
    In dating there are fragile egos on the line and you kinda have to be overly flirty and encouraging. I’m not good at that.

    I don’t know what to tell you about juggling multiple men (!) but I hope you keep going with this project. I feel like I should tell you to take a plunge, but I’m not sure I did…

    • Thanks for the comment! What’s funny is that OKC says B and I are an 82% match…but that’s only based on the 20 questions he answered. (I answered an embarrassing amount.) The good thing is that we both picked “six or more dates” as our answer to when it’s appropriate to have sex. Of course he might mean seven and I seventy… The whole thing is made a bit weirder because I’m supposedly only looking for new friends and activity partners. That’s really all I can handle right now anyway. If these meetings aren’t supposed to be dates then there won’t be any kissing. (31 and I’m worried about kissing. Sigh.)

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