Operation ITNOWIT #10
- Independent tea café downtown
- Saturday 6/9/12
- chamomile tea
- $14.00 with tip (I treated to make up for last time; D also got soup)
- Met D there
Yesterday I had a third meeting with D. Instead of feeling more friendly toward him as time goes on, this meeting made me feel less friendly. It began with him arriving flustered and saying that he’s feeling out of sorts and has been sick. Opening with a litany of ailments and/or excuses (or just being overly explanatory) is something that really turns me off. I’m seldom sick so I think I’m pretty judgmental when people go into unsolicited detail about illness. (I tend to be skeptical and assume hypochondria.) “Sorry I’m late” would have sufficed.
The whole conversation seemed to again focus on me and what I’m doing with my life. D either contradicted me or pushed me about things. Things like “I think you need to give yourself the space to feel that..don’t be so hard on yourself.” On one hand, I’m reveling in all the free time that having a part time job affords, and on the other, I feel like I squander that free time, wasting it on Net.flix when I could be volunteering or at least learning about something new. I felt that I was being scrutinized and misunderstood the whole time. And we were both aware that the communication was awkward. D kept talking about the conversation: “You seem uncomfortable, so I’ll switch topics.” To be fair, when the conversation was focused on him, and his attempts to write regularly, I made suggestions, he demurred, and I prodded.
I did lend him more Paul Zindel books, and I’m willing to get together again. If he’d just lay off the life coaching, we seem to have plenty in common to talk about. There is very clearly no romantic feelings on my side. He emailed and apologized, saying that he was projecting, and once again mentioning that he hasn’t been feeling well. When I answered, I told him it’s fine, but that I’m not in the market for a therapist or life coach!
A friend who lives a couple hours away came to visit this weekend, and I babbled on about all my experiences with OKC. I’m not telling my family about any of my adventures, and it feels particularly strange to edit my life for my sister, so it’s nice to be able to get into all the minutiae with friends. We scrutinized B’s OKC and FB pictures (there’s only two). She’s intrigued by him and thinks he sounds nice and that he probably likes me in a more-than-friends way. Now if only I knew if I liked him. He’ll be back from Vegas soon. Last night I dreamt that when he returned I was really happy to see him. I wonder how the reality will be? It would be nice to return romantic feelings (if indeed he feels them), and I’m a bit worried that I’m trying to convince myself I feel them. But maybe I really am beginning to feel them?
How can I be such a ridiculous, ambivalent mess?