Operation ITNOWIT #17
- my place
- Wednesday 7/18/12
- $15ish on groceries
No, B and I didn’t actually go to the opera. But we did watch the Marx brothers film. =) I invited him over for dinner since he made dinner for me at his place last week. We had a bit of trouble finding a day that worked for both of us. Monday night he called me because I had suggested Thursday in an email and then written back later that day (without having heard from him) because Thursday didn’t work after all. On the phone he asked, “Didn’t you get my email saying I couldn’t do Thursday?” So that’s two emails of his that I hadn’t gotten. He asked if I’d checked my spam folder. Weirdly, they were there! I feel much better knowing what those two lost emails said. =) (Naturally, I analyze every nuance.)
So, he came over, he watched me cook, we ate, we watched the movie, we ate dessert, we chatted, he left. As always, I learned a few new things about him and had a good time. But we didn’t really pick up where we left off talking about personal things. As if, sure, we’d both admitted we didn’t date in high school, but that’s not too weird. Revealing anything about dating (or not) after high school, well… It felt like having a friend over for dinner and a movie. Except with a little flirting. Instead of moving forward we treaded water (sometimes that’s all we can manage). I think we’re both just really nervous about it, both unsure.
Good things: he brought dessert. Two kinds. One was a cross between a cream puff and a fruit tart. Amazing. And the other was cookie dough ice cream. Always good. Another good thing–he found and printed for me a couple of contemporary reviews of Pride and Prejudice. It’s really interesting to hear what critics thought of it at the time it was first published. The first review doesn’t even mention Jane Austen by name! Lastly, he told me he’s always thought it would be interesting to pick a decade and read primary sources so it would be like he’s living it. Like read a newspaper from the 1920s every day. Doesn’t that sound awesome? No? Just to we history majors, then? Okay.
Oh! One more thing. My phone rang, and I said, “It’s a family member. I’m not going to answer it.” So then he joked about answering it and what he would say…I guess you had to be there (and understand how shocked my family would be if a man answered my phone).
And that is where this blog post would have ended. With a perfectly nice, friendly night. With me feeling a bit disappointed that I hadn’t made myself just bring up dating, or talk about ‘us.’
But you see, B sent me an email this afternoon. He thinks I’m stunning, and he’s very attracted to me. (Cue a grin, some blushing, and a stomach twisting with nerves.) What followed from B after this admission was a jumble of maybes and not knowing (as in, ‘maybe you know what you want from the relationship,’ ‘maybe I’m just dense,’ ‘or maybe we both don’t know’). Hmm. I read it a couple times and then let it sit for a few hours before responding. I told him that I like him quite a lot. And perhaps we should just admit that we’re dating.
So…now there’s this email exchange that’s happened. Obviously, I understand that it’s easier to ‘say’ these things over email. Neither of us was doing a good job of it in person. When we see each other in person again, it’s going to be that awkward moment of, well, we’ve admitted these feelings, but now we have to acknowledge them while in the same room with each other. And figure out what to do next.
There’s no way it’s not going include large amounts of embarrassment. I literally might say, “You’re just going to have to kiss me.” And then squeeze my eyes shut tight. After which I might not being able to keep “Ack, I’m a virgin!” from escaping my lips. Basically, I’m a twelve-year-old stuck in an adult’s body, and there’s not a whole lot I can do about it.