B just wrote me back. I only read a few lines before I started crying. Like, huge emotional swell that could not be contained, hot tears streaming down my face kind of crying. It was this line that did it: ‘Are you telling me then that we need a whole lot of hugging practice? Because that’s something I think I can do.’ Simple, sweet response, and it put me over the edge. Clearly, I’ve got some deep-seated emotional issues happening. I’m just so scared. And I don’t want to be. And I don’t know how not to be. I think the tears were the result of a combination of relief at an understanding, gentle response, the realization that this is really happening–there’s actually a man in my life and I’m doing this–, and the fear.

I’m really good at fear. It’s entirely possible that I have a diagnosable anxiety disorder. Every time I have to do something new, I automatically think about everything that can go wrong and try to prepare myself. Over and over things I go, trying to talk myself out of worrying, trying to assure myself I’ll be fine. I know I can do the simple things, like going somewhere new on the bus (though I still check the schedule about six times). But relationships are not simple. Physical relationships are not simple. Physical relationships involving a virgin with a disability are not simple. See how good I am at the fear?

Back to the email. God, it was just…really nice. He’s saying all the right things. He ended with, ‘You want me to be the initiator, but you be the guide.’

I mean, really, a romance novelist couldn’t have said it any better.

B and I have taken to using a (new to us) word from something we’re reading as the subject line of our email because he dislikes the overused subject ‘hey,’ which I am guilty of using. B’s word of the day? Satyriasis. He told me not to let it scare me and swore it was from a book he was reading, that he hadn’t heard of it before. I looked it up and burst out laughing. Its meaning? Uncontrollable or excessive sexual desire in a man. It’s the male equivalent of nymphomania. I’d never really realized nymphomania applies only to women. Learn something new every day.


3 thoughts on “Breathe.

  1. I think the ten years or so I could have been dating and wasn’t have left me with as much baggage as a string of broken relationships. There’s stuff you’re going to have to deal with, and it isn’t going to magically disappear with the much-anticipated Kiss.
    I understand the fear thing. Yup.
    I think you’re on the edge of a really good thing. You challenged yourself because you’re ready.

  2. Wow, what a genuinely sweet guy! It’s really nice to have seen your relationship blossom up until this point. It looks like it’ll turn into something beautiful.

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