August 19th. Sunday at 5:30 B picked me up for another dinner and theater date. We’d last seen each other on Friday for a day-long lie in. As soon as he came inside, we kissed and had a long hug. I was happy not to feel like I had to work my way up to it, though we still talked our way through. “I’m wondering how long I can keep this up, with both arms,” I said, poking fun at myself. “I just won’t let go suddenly,” he answered. He really does remember what I wrote in that first emotional email, when I explained that reestablishing my balance when someone lets go is the difficult part of the hug.
We didn’t get back to my place after the theater until 11:15. I told him he could come in for a little while, thinking of a midnight curfew. Of course he didn’t leave until 2am, when he admitted he was getting too tired to drive home. We sat on the couch and kissed. I tried to concentrate and just kiss him and not think about anything, but it didn’t work and I ended up laughing again. I still find this whole thing so hard to believe–it’s so fun/funny/enjoyable. Rather than feel insecure, or exasperated with me, B started kissing me in ways to make me laugh. He did some kind of suction thing (which I actually kind of like), and he started laughing too. That moment, when he leaned back, unable to contain laughter at his own kiss, I felt my heart expand and open and my feelings with it. An almost physical sensation–I think I really do love him. I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. So I tried it out in my head as we kissed: I love you I love you I love you I love him I love him I love him. And I just wanted to keep kissing him. Not in a desperate, rip his clothes off way, but a ‘this is so much fun’, ‘I really enjoy you,’ way.
I love love love that we could play with kissing. He did silly things with his lips. He sucked the air out of my mouth and I called him a breath vampire. =) We both tried the suction thing at the same time and burst out laughing. Just so much fun. Sometimes it got serious and we really kissed and wrapped our arms tightly around each other–I tried to show him that I love him. Then I decided to hold his hand up and slowly and deliberately write L-O-V-E on his palm, just as I had been doing before, only this time I wanted him to get it. When I asked if he understood, he didn’t say yes, but I’m pretty sure he did. I almost said it out loud. Then he was writing something along my arm, but I wasn’t expecting it, missed the beginning, and didn’t get it. We kissed each other really hard some more. He checked the time on his phone, and his screen background was a black and white photo of a girl with LOVE written down her dress. He held it out to me, I think making sure that I read it. But neither of us said anything.
It’s just so strange. Is this really it? Could it be this easy–this gentle happy falling?