So how has sex been for B and me since our first success?
Well, we’re still working on it. As soon as he left that night in October, my low abdomen began aching, and there was a strong constant ache for more than a day. I knew it was not my abdomen, but my cervix, which, due to our position and B’s enthusiasm, had received quite a bit of the action. I read that bent-knee positions shorten thrusting space, so they are not recommended if the cervix is getting sore. I also read that, when fully aroused, the cervix moves up and out of the way. Sigh. And due to the tightness in my hips and legs, B and I cannot figure out missionary! My pelvis needs to be tilted up, but the wedge I bought is almost too wedgey to be comfortable… The whole thing would be funny if it weren’t so frustrating. Okay, we still find it a bit funny.
Our encounters after that first success haven’t always gone smoothly or been entirely pleasurable. I remember finding things a bit chafey and uncomfortable and feeling disappointed/sad/frustrated that sex isn’t a linear progression from successful penetration to good to great. We’ve done it well once and now we know how to do it and it just gets better from here! Right? Nope. That first successful time was the most pleasurable, and I was frustrated that I couldn’t get back to that. I was feeling like a failure at sex. Like I had the female equivalent of erectile dysfunction. I can understand a man who wants sex, is attracted to and loves his partner, and can’t get an erection. And since I can have an orgasm by myself whenever I want, I know it’s a psychological issue. I’ve been very conscious these past few years that if the opportunity for sex ever presented itself, I may very well need sex therapy to succeed at it. Because I’m 31. Because I have CP. Because my only sex has been solo and my body simply has never learned to be around another body.
B wants it to be enjoyable for me and feels bad when it isn’t. Recently, even with foreplay and lube, it just wasn’t feeling good. And it all comes back to arousal and my not getting there before everything gets underway. It’s so hard to talk about because we had the same conversation months ago, when B worried that he wasn’t “arousal material” for me. And if I’m still telling him I’m not becoming aroused, then he’ll still think it’s him! So I took some time and wrote some things down before we approached the subject again.
Here’s what I started to wonder: Have I been conditioned and/or misled by a lifetime of fiction? Of course I have.
In romantic movies and novels everything is sexy and breathy, steamy and flowy. That’s what I think of when I think about sex. That’s what I’ve come to expect. I have not read a single novel that mentions lube or clitoral stimulation specifically. Even the authors writing about realistic first time sex like Judy Blume and Norma Klein didn’t write about those things. But I take heart when I read that most women stimulate their clitoris (or their partner does) during intercourse–and a majority of women fantasize to get really turned on. I always thought that what was actually happening was going to be enough to turn me on, and I’m heartened to read that imagination/fantasy is pretty normal, without meaning role-playing or fetishes. Not that I’m against those–maybe I just haven’t discovered mine yet…
December 7th. So I let B know this–that when I have felt inklings of arousal it’s been in those steamy, breathy moments. I love the tickly, laughing moments, too, but they don’t contribute to arousal. I know that in order to get to that “really ready” state of arousal that I have to just do what I need to do myself. And I said I wouldn’t be comfortable doing that with B there unless he was doing it too! (To himself). So we tried it. We made out, getting steamy and breathy, and all the while I was thinking that I couldn’t do it, that I was still embarrassed. But finally I did and he did and we still kissed, and it was pretty good. I mean, not like it is when I’m alone. But it will just take time and practice. When I first got together with B, I was really scared of kissing him. I’ve come a long way!
Here’s where things stand with me and the possibility of an incredible sex life:
Difficulty becoming fully aroused with B, in part because–
Only learned to orgasm via masturbation at 24. Have only ever done it the same way. (Body only knows one way, in solitude.)
Difficult positioning due to CP.
Comfortable with the body generally–never have thought sex/genitalia/masturbation was dirty/bad/sinful.
Comfortable being naked with B, with lights on.
Know how to make myself aroused and have orgasm.
Waited for the right person, who is patient and understanding, and willing to experiment.
B and I are doing great. It’s been seven months now since we met via OKC. It’s strange how normal it feels to be in love. It’s not at all like it is in fiction either, no drama or arguing and reuniting (my life would not make a very interesting novel). It’s just good. I enjoy being with B, and there isn’t anything about him that bugs me or that I ignore for the sake of the relationship. What can I say? I love the guy.