Just as I do every year, I feel that 2012 went by so quickly. How is it 2013 already? But I look back gratefully. I remember my resolve a year ago to go on one date. My failure at that until I forced myself to join OKC and start this blog in May. Connecting with B the very same day I signed up.
I’ve realized I’m someone who really enjoys looking back. I’ll look at B and picture him across the table from me at the Thai restaurant or on our picnic blanket on the 4th of July. When I didn’t really know him yet, when I wasn’t sure what I was doing or how I felt. I’ll think back on those days and all those moments that brought us here. Because of course I didn’t know what would happen next, and then I got to live the “next.” There’s always more to come and we can never know what our “next” will be. It’s scary and exciting to contemplate the future. It’s safe and lovely to look back on our past.
Christmas 2012 was the first holiday I’ve had being part of a real relationship. We went to each other’s Christmas parties. We spent the holiday apart with our own families. I was away a week and a half, and I really, really missed him. The first few days, missing him was nice–I was so happy to have someone to miss. A couple days after that, with so many people around and none of them B, it was almost physically painful. Two days further on, I could anticipate seeing him soon.
We’ve never been the kind of couple who’s in constant contact. I don’t text. We don’t really love talking on the phone, instead emailing once or twice a week. We usually see each other 4 or 5 days out of 7, so that seems like a pretty healthy contact-to-space ratio for a couple of introverts. My brother asked me how much we’d been in contact and declared that since he’d started dating his wife, there’d only been one day that they hadn’t spoken, and that was because she’d been in the Grand Canyon. “My day doesn’t feel complete unless I talk to her,” he said. As if that made his relationship somehow stronger or better than mine. But my brother has never been good at being alone, has always needed to be with someone. And I haven’t. I’ve enjoyed my space and my solitude, and I still do. I wanted to say, “Just because we don’t talk every day doesn’t mean we don’t love each other.” But I let it go. Because I have B in my mind and my heart now. All the time. That’s just the way it is. And I know that it’s the same for him.
I flew back home on Christmas Day. B picked me up at the airport, and had a bouquet of flowers for me (hidden on the back of a cardboard sign with my name on it). We went back to my place, ate dinner, and exchanged gifts. (Nothing huge or hugely meaningful, just fun, thoughtful things.) We spent New Years Eve with my sister and her husband who were passing through town. B and I had fun buying a bunch of snacks and making a spread. We Boggled and played Trivial Pursuit. After my sister and brother-in-law left, B and I had the rest of New Years Day together. I know it must have been weird for him to spend almost 24 hours with a trio of family members who are very close, when he’s so new to the group. But I think everybody likes everybody, and he’d met them at Thanksgiving.
Now here we are starting a new year together. I’m trying to be motivated to lose the holidays pounds I gained and find out how good I can feel, to keep reading and writing, and to use my time in meaningful ways. I work only part time, and instead of volunteering, or going after freelance editing projects, I happily/guiltily spend way too much time online. And yet my life feels full, and I don’t know how people who work 40+ hours a week have the time or energy to enjoy life. So I enjoy my life, but still feel like I should be doing more.
B and I are still working on our physical relationship. (I suppose I hope it’s something we’re always working on!) Sex is still pretty new for us, and for my body certainly. Every time, there’s less tenderness from stretching (and pushing/pulling) the opening, and I’m hopeful that eventually there won’t be any tenderness and there won’t be any need for “recovery time.” Still working on getting to and maintaining arousal. But it’s good. Good to have someone who’s patient and loving, who wants to take this journey with me. I’m so surprised and grateful that the whole OKC attempt worked out. Back in May, I couldn’t have imagined that I would actually, finally be in a fulfilling relationship.