Living Together: One Month In

We’ve lived together a month already.

Overall, I’m a bit startled at how natural it’s felt. It wasn’t a huge transition, but an easy one.    I’m so glad we took the time before the move to plan finances and cleaning and alone time. We’re still struggling with keeping up with our cleaning schedule, and dishes aren’t always done right after dinner. But I never did my dishes right after dirtying them, and neither did he. I don’t expect those habits to change easily. So maybe we’ll still be a bit messy. It’s that thing where, my mess doesn’t bother me, but other people’s does. So–I’m being patient about all the tiny hairs on the sink and mirror after he shaves; they’ll be cleaned up eventually. I don’t want to be a nagger, so I remind myself not to nag, to let the little things go. I don’t know if there are little things I do that he lets go, too. There must be.

We’ve been busy with little home projects and being out of town last weekend. There’s still so much to do to make this place work for two people. Shifting contents of closets and cabinets. Getting the dishwasher to work properly (yes–after 5 years, I live in a place with a dishwasher again!). We want to have time in the evenings to watch a show or read together, but we also have our own things to do. Tonight, we’re meeting downtown for a date. =) Our dates used to be B coming over to my place.

And in the bedroom, we’re still working on things. We’ve had a few open conversations about needs. I told B I needed sex to be earlier if I was going to have energy for it on weeknights. He felt that my saying “before 10pm” was dictating his sex life and not reasonable, that I should compromise. I felt that early sex rather than no sex was compromising! (Perhaps he didn’t see those as his options…) And of course, there are more than two options, and we just need to figure things out so that we’re both getting what we need. That isn’t easy.

On top of that, there’s still the issues I’ve always been dealing with. I think that after the UTI, I’ve regressed a bit on the soreness/recovery front. Before, I had hope that I was close to experiencing sex without any discomfort. And now, be it physical or mental, I’m again needing to work on becoming and staying aroused, on relaxing for penetration…I feel sad about it if I dwell on it too long. We’ve talked about this, too. I’ve said “I want to want sex,” which I think hurt B’s feelings. But what I meant was, my body just isn’t longing for it or needing it. This could be psychological (recovery from UTI and subsequent issues that have yet to resolve completely) or it could be physical–a decreased libido from the Nex.planon. (Since I’ve been on it my whole active sex life, I honestly don’t know.) Of course the psychological and the physical are inseparable. I’ve also told him, “It’s hard to want something that causes discomfort.” So then we said, “Well, what do we do?” We’ve tried the wedge again, and we’ve even tried incorporating a toy–first time for that.

Our inexperience definitely isn’t helping. We need to be more adventurous and experimental. I would like sex to be about much much more than intercourse. We need extended foreplay, and instead it feels like we’re just trying to hurry up and get me ready because he’s been ready the whole time. We do both enjoy manual stimulation, but that’s about as far as we’ve gotten on the other-than-penetration front. Even though I want to experience oral sex, I can’t relax and be comfortable with it. B has never given it (to me or his previous partner). The few times he’s made overtures, I just laugh and squirm (just his breath tickles!), so that’s not helping. I know he’s nervous to try it, so he won’t just go for it, and his hesitation makes me hesitant too. I also know that he wants to receive it, and he’s never pressured me, but he’s also not very subtle. =) I’ve briefly experimented with it a couple times.

Sex is complicated and progress is slow, and I just want it to be good already!

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Living Together

Only one post in June and none in July. Sigh.

Our ten-day road trip was pretty great. We didn’t get tired of each other or get snippy. There were only a couple times when my navigating led to confusion/frustration. B handled long days of driving well. We were so tired at the end of each day that I just wanted to sleep, so it wasn’t all romance all the time. But–we still liked each other at the end and were already talking about our next trip before that one had concluded. Good signs. We didn’t really talk about moving in together on the trip. I brought the books we’d checked out, but we didn’t end up reading them.

Health update. There’s something I’ve almost blogged about a few times and then put it off. Back in mid-May, I got my first UTI. It. was. horrible. Very painful and escalated to unbearable within a day. I took antibiotics and felt much–but not completely–better. An irritated, tingly feeling remained in my urethra, and I figured things just needed to heal and I’d be fine. But it hasn’t gone away. And I’ve googled a ton and gone to the doctor. I actually went before the trip (a month after onset), in hopes that if it was a yeast infection from the antibiotics, or group B strep from imbalance of healthy bacteria, I’d be able to get it treated and go on my merry way. But it wasn’t those things–nothing apparently diagnosable. Suffice it to say, a burning, irritated urethra does not make one feel very sexy.  B has taken it very well on the whole. Of course he’s frustrated (and so am I). I want to want sex. And I keep planning for it and then not wanting it. But it’s gotten better, a little. I thought maybe I had interstitial cystitis (IC) with a bit of vulvodynia thrown in. Diet can help. Cutting out acidic foods (all the cranberry I was drinking at the start of this thing, for example). But it’s summer, and we’ve got a CSA box, and somebody’s got to eat the tomatoes, so I haven’t really attempted “the IC diet” to see if anything improves. Anyway, it’s been over two months now, and the symptoms come and go. Perhaps everything just went a little haywire, nerve-wise, and it needs to set itself to rights. I have felt extremely frustrated and sad. (Why is this happening? As if I didn’t have enough to deal with sexually! Please, God, don’t let this be a permanent condition! I want to feel good! I want to feel sexy! I want to want sex!) And maybe it’s been so long that this is my new normal. Or maybe it really is slowly, slowly healing. I hope it’s the latter.

At the end of June, B decided that I should just move in at the end of July. Originally, he had wanted things to calm down at work (his boss was leaving and he was taking over until they’d hire someone, or officially promote him), so the date was up in the air. Once decided, July was the month of packing and moving and organizing and cleaning. And I am glad it’s over. I’ve never moved into a place that’s already full. Our places are both small, about the same size, and we needed to fit my household into his. Oy. I’ve never moved into a place that isn’t clean. He asked what he needed to do before I moved in, and I said, “a deep cleaning.” But it just didn’t happen. It wasn’t as if he could clean everything and then move all my things in. We started moving stuff over July 4th, and every weekend since. So we’d clean a spot, and put stuff on it. Clean a spot, put stuff on it. Anyway, enough of that. All my furniture and most everything else was moved in July 26th. We cleaned my old place, and I turned in my keys yesterday. Done. Not. Now I have to unpack here.

Even though we didn’t get to the books, we have talked out a few things–like cleaning and finances and time to ourselves. And we agreed on basic balances like if one person cooks, the other does the dishes. So far, the first week, we’ve pretty much failed. I’m so tired. Physically exhausted from cleaning mini blinds while on a step ladder and other tasks I don’t usually do. Stressed. B is stressed too, from still being in charge at work, and going on another interview… I wondered in the last post how soon it would feel like drudgery, and it already does. Crap, we need to eat dinner. Crap, we need to clean up dinner. I get into bed at 9pm or 9:30 so tired. No sex so far this week. B would have been up for it, but I just wasn’t. I have hope that things will settle down eventually, I’ll get everything unpacked and take a deep breath and have energy again.

I have discovered something about myself. I prefer morning sex. When I’ve heard people talk about this kind of thing, I thought it sounded a bit silly. But now I know what it feels like to fall into bed and be drifting off when my partner finally joins me and would like some attention. No, thank you. Not now. I’m asleep. In the morning, I’m awake, rested, feeling better. I feel even better, and sexier, after I’ve showered. My ideal scenario is that we wake up, shower (separately), and get back into bed. Yep. Of course that only works on weekends. Maybe I only have enough energy for sex on weekends. We’ll see how everything goes. At the very least, if B wants sex, then we need to go to bed early so I’m still awake enough to participate!

Perhaps this post is a bit too real-lifey. We’re good. That first night I was here, he whispered as I was falling asleep, “Thank you for moving in with me.” We love each other. I have too much stuff. Things will settle down soon.