Living Together: One Month In

We’ve lived together a month already.

Overall, I’m a bit startled at how natural it’s felt. It wasn’t a huge transition, but an easy one.    I’m so glad we took the time before the move to plan finances and cleaning and alone time. We’re still struggling with keeping up with our cleaning schedule, and dishes aren’t always done right after dinner. But I never did my dishes right after dirtying them, and neither did he. I don’t expect those habits to change easily. So maybe we’ll still be a bit messy. It’s that thing where, my mess doesn’t bother me, but other people’s does. So–I’m being patient about all the tiny hairs on the sink and mirror after he shaves; they’ll be cleaned up eventually. I don’t want to be a nagger, so I remind myself not to nag, to let the little things go. I don’t know if there are little things I do that he lets go, too. There must be.

We’ve been busy with little home projects and being out of town last weekend. There’s still so much to do to make this place work for two people. Shifting contents of closets and cabinets. Getting the dishwasher to work properly (yes–after 5 years, I live in a place with a dishwasher again!). We want to have time in the evenings to watch a show or read together, but we also have our own things to do. Tonight, we’re meeting downtown for a date. =) Our dates used to be B coming over to my place.

And in the bedroom, we’re still working on things. We’ve had a few open conversations about needs. I told B I needed sex to be earlier if I was going to have energy for it on weeknights. He felt that my saying “before 10pm” was dictating his sex life and not reasonable, that I should compromise. I felt that early sex rather than no sex was compromising! (Perhaps he didn’t see those as his options…) And of course, there are more than two options, and we just need to figure things out so that we’re both getting what we need. That isn’t easy.

On top of that, there’s still the issues I’ve always been dealing with. I think that after the UTI, I’ve regressed a bit on the soreness/recovery front. Before, I had hope that I was close to experiencing sex without any discomfort. And now, be it physical or mental, I’m again needing to work on becoming and staying aroused, on relaxing for penetration…I feel sad about it if I dwell on it too long. We’ve talked about this, too. I’ve said “I want to want sex,” which I think hurt B’s feelings. But what I meant was, my body just isn’t longing for it or needing it. This could be psychological (recovery from UTI and subsequent issues that have yet to resolve completely) or it could be physical–a decreased libido from the Nex.planon. (Since I’ve been on it my whole active sex life, I honestly don’t know.) Of course the psychological and the physical are inseparable. I’ve also told him, “It’s hard to want something that causes discomfort.” So then we said, “Well, what do we do?” We’ve tried the wedge again, and we’ve even tried incorporating a toy–first time for that.

Our inexperience definitely isn’t helping. We need to be more adventurous and experimental. I would like sex to be about much much more than intercourse. We need extended foreplay, and instead it feels like we’re just trying to hurry up and get me ready because he’s been ready the whole time. We do both enjoy manual stimulation, but that’s about as far as we’ve gotten on the other-than-penetration front. Even though I want to experience oral sex, I can’t relax and be comfortable with it. B has never given it (to me or his previous partner). The few times he’s made overtures, I just laugh and squirm (just his breath tickles!), so that’s not helping. I know he’s nervous to try it, so he won’t just go for it, and his hesitation makes me hesitant too. I also know that he wants to receive it, and he’s never pressured me, but he’s also not very subtle. =) I’ve briefly experimented with it a couple times.

Sex is complicated and progress is slow, and I just want it to be good already!

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2 thoughts on “Living Together: One Month In

  1. Glad to hear that living together is mostly going well so far – that’s great! It’s a pity about the sex hurdles but it’s good that the two of you do talk about things rather than just withdrawing from discussions. If you each have slightly different preferences then maybe you can alternate between “His Night” and “Her Night” or something like that. Maybe one of your “Her Nights” could be lots of extended foreplay where you’ve agreed to keep it at only foreplay for that night so there’s no pressure to reach an end goal, but with the idea that next time will be His Night. Or write five ideas on bits of paper and pull one out of a hat.

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