What to do when sex is uncomfortable

If you read my last post, you know that Valentine’s Day was awash in disappointment and soreness. I cried, and it was three quarters frustration and one quarter emotional/physical reconnection with my love.

After learning my lesson once again that vaginal muscles need regular stretching just like any other muscle, I spent three mornings in a row doing just that. Then this weekend, our Sunday morning sex was so nice and pain free that I cried again. I had to assure B that it was all good tears this time. And Monday night, I managed to be awake and have enough energy at 9:30 to be amorous again, with happy results. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex two days in a row. And I think my cycle is finally over! I can totally grab my own boobs if I want! With no tenderness! We’ll see if this lasts more than a few days–but I shall celebrate while I can.

So, if sex is uncomfortable for you, here’s what’s worked for me. While alone, get comfortable, and do whatever you need to feel relaxed and/or sexy. I like climbing back into bed right out of the shower. Then, you know, go at it. Start small. Use just a lubed finger if you need to. Using your own finger helps you get to know what angle is best for entry. Propping up your hips might help. Go slowly. Breathe deeply. Gently press in all directions to start loosening those muscles. I find that giving attention to my clitoris with my other hand first works well. Being aroused first helps your body feel ready for penetration. I have two toys that I use: a slim one, and a slightly larger one that’s closer to the size of my partner. I get to be in control of the speed, pressure, and angle. Sometimes I don’t know how to tell my partner to shift, but when I have just a tool in my hand, I can manipulate it until it works for me. Once the toy is in, just let the body relax around it, let the muscles have a gentle stretch. Maybe move the toy in a circle with slight pressure to make sure all the muscles are getting stretched. Take it slow. Find out what works for you. Making this into a pleasurable orgasm session if you can is good! So your body can associate penetration and pleasure. Also take it slow on removal. It does get easier every time.

When it’s time for sex with your partner, use lube. “A little bit more than enough” is a good answer I’ve heard to “How much?” Both on yourself and on your partner. Make sure you’re feeling aroused before trying penetration. Go slow. If entry isn’t working, back up and try a different angle. Go slow. Once penetration is successful, tell your partner to hold still a moment so you can breathe and give your muscles a change to adjust and relax.

And there you have it, non-expert advice from me, a thirty-three-year-old woman with mild cerebral palsy who was a virgin not long ago.

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