Total pounds lost: 1
Pounds to go: 12
Handcycled: 4 times. 17.75 miles total.
Weekday walks of more than a mile at once: at least 11.
Days vegan: 25.
Bleeding days: 17
Sex: more than 3!
Sigh. This whole trying to get fit thing is rough. I lost four pounds in January, exactly where I should have been for healthy, maintainable weight loss. Then gained most of it back. Then lost a couple. Then went on vacation for the first week of March and gained a couple (not vegan for most of that week). Then lost them. THEN lost two more. And felt awesome, and like I was finally making progress, with a total of five pounds gone. That’s huge for someone my size. I even made sure the scale read the same two evenings in a row to assure myself it wasn’t a fluke. A couple days later the two pounds were back. With no discernible changes from me. Seriously, what the heck? I felt like, why bother? When I really try, I don’t see any real results, so why keep being so strict with myself. Why keep putting a damper on B’s suggestions for dessert or having a meal out? Why not just enjoy life and stop beating myself up over every single pound.
And this is where I’m stuck. I know that I’m at a healthy weight for my height, etc. I also know that losing ten pounds could only help me. I know that I feel good and strong and accomplished when I stick to my goals and eat well. I also know that I feel a sense of defiant pleasure and relief when I give in and just enjoy my meal, probably with second helpings, and my portion of a dark chocolate bar, unrealistic beauty ideals be damned! My one dessert a week plan is out the window.
But I can tell when I’m eating too much for how much I’m burning. When I compare that to how I feel when I eat less, I prefer the way I feel when I eat less. But in the moment, when I just want a couple more bites, it’s so hard. The answer, of course, is to get more exercise. Just burn more calories and you’ll be able to eat those few extra bites and still feel good. So not easy. So not easy, when the act of moving is difficult.
I keep hearing the phrase, “sitting is the new smoking.” I’ve been reading for years how bad our desk-job lifestyle is for us. And I know it. I do. And yet I spend most of my time sitting in front a computer, like everyone else. So I cleared off the top of my dresser and put my laptop there to use as a standing desk. I tried this once before several months ago and felt exhausted after five minutes. Also, it’s less fun to watch YT videos standing up. It just is. (Probably a good thing.) This time, I stuck with it and did everything I normally would have done sitting down, standing up, including reading a book. My feet ached at the end of the day, and my knees felt worse the following day. But I knew it was better for me overall. I’m working on my standing posture in pilates. I tend to put strain on my lower back (the s curve is pretty prominent at the lower spine). I don’t have very much ability to tilt my pelvis back until it’s in a neutral position. So I work on this. And I work on keeping strength in my outer hips and not locking my knees but not letting them bend too much. And keeping my shoulders relaxed and not letting my ribs shift to one side. While I stand here and type this.
And even with only three weeks at home in March, we went out hand cycling four times. Not that that’s great, but it’s not bad. So I feel like I am trying. I am trying to incorporate healthier habits and more physical activity into my generally sedentary days. And even so, I’m not making any progress.
And in my personal life? I had two periods making seventeen bleeding days out of thirty-one. (Including my whole vacation.) But also eleven *consecutive* days without bleeding. It feels like so long since I’ve had that. Maybe December. Such a feeling of freedom. We’ve managed to achieve our more typical sex life, and that feels awesome. My advances have even been turned down a couple times because B was tired. Feels good to be able to offer it and not say no all the time. Except of course I’m slightly crampy and expect my period to reappear every second. Still, better.
I know this minutiae over the same five pounds gained and lost is ridiculous and uninteresting. It feels ridiculous and uninteresting to me, too. I was hoping with my resolve and record keeping here that it would help. It hasn’t. We’ll see. Maybe April will be better.